We Interrupt this Broadcast…

Dear Purveyors of Fine Holiday Merchandise,

Now that the holiday season is upon us I’d like to get a head start on my psychological clarity during what can be a very confusing and stressful time. Your assistance would be greatly appreciated.

To begin, what is at stake for my children at Christmastime? If they do not receive exactly the most popular and expensive toys will they simply be ostracized, ridiculed on the playground, or do you think they might meet physical harm? To reinforce this message, do you really think that 10 Christmas commercials per every 5 minutes of television viewing time are enough, or should I paste the 27 flyers we get in the mail every day to their walls? Thanks, by the way, for all of the terrific commercials you now show at the movies. I was worried that we might have some wasted time there, but you had us covered.

Further, what do you think the minimum number of gifts should be for our children to know we truly love them? 25? 50? 100? Is there a love to dollar formula you can refer me to so that I can ensure my children’s happiness and be spared any potential embarrassment among the neighbors?

While we are on the subject of family, I have some concerns about my husband. I have yet to receive a gift of substantial 4-5 figure worth. Has he lost interest in me? Do you think that kind of gifts I’ve received over the years – a hand-crafted arbor made from cedar trees he cut himself, an original musical composition – are indications that his eye may be wandering?

Finally, what do you recommend in terms of transportation as we travel from one perfectly decorated house to another, visiting the hundreds of friends and acquaintances we must have to ensure that we have both social standing and worth? I understand that traveling in a forward facing seat without some kind of a table and entertainment center is no longer acceptable, as my children cannot be expected to entertain themselves in the car as we travel 5 miles down the road. Is there a car that actually flies? If so, please notify me immediately; we would not want to appear behind the times.

Thank you in advance for your attention in these very important matters. I greatly appreciate the energy and fervor you put forth in ensuring a meaningful holiday for my family and me.

Best,
Lisa