An Open Letter to Producers of Energy Drinks

April 28, 2011 By Karrie

Dear Producers of Energy Drinks,

For years you have catered to the youth of today, promising outrageous energy to carry on through long nights of studying and partying. You’ve convinced us all that even one serving of your magic potion will transform us into wild twenty-somethings and whisk us away to a dance club where strobe lights and smoke fills the air. Essentially, you claim the idea that an energy drink is a tonic of youth.

So why is it then, that you market it to youth? Those are the people with more energy in one sleepy morning than I have in an entire week.

I may be no marketing guru, but if I may make a suggestion, there’s a large target audience out there that is grossly underserved in the energy drink business: moms.

We are the ones who crave energy, who need it to survive and to outlast our children at any age. We are the ones who watch the wee hours of the morning tick by as we rock babies, soothe children, and wait for teenagers to come home safely, all the while having to wake up early to turn into a PBJ factory for packed lunches.

We are the ones who kiss everyone goodnight after an evening of chauffeuring to scouts and sports and dinner and homework and baths and books and then slink off to a pile of our own work. And as much as sorting socks is engaging and exciting, I for one have been known to lay my head in a basket of freshly dried laundry and say to myself, “just a five minute nap.”

And so I plead with you, oh masters of the magic medicine, would it be too much to make energy drinks that are mom-friendly? Perhaps put a flower on the can, show some flashy commercials with some mid-30’s ladies with stretch marks and bags under our eyes sipping one of your beverages? Can you please make it more kosher for us maternal-type to drink without feeling like we’re sneaking something illegal?

I recently chugged an energy drink in the school parking lot on my way to a Girl Scout meeting only to realize that there was actually someone in the car next to me. The look she shot me was anything but understanding and I instantly felt as if I should forego the scout meeting and head straight to the principal’s office. It’s just not fair.

So please, oh please, make this right. Looking into the future I could imagine great things for your company. There could be specific slots built in diaper bags for your uniquely shaped cans and once the craze catches on, moms on park benches and bleachers everywhere will be your walking advertisement. Your fountain of youth in a small bottle with fruity flavors will make us all a happier group, whether we are washing dishes at 1 AM or are whisked away to that smoky, strobe-lit dance floor where the lights hide the bags under our eyes and the smoke masks the sweet smell of motherhood.

Sincerely,
Karrie

Pin It

About Karrie

Karrie is proud to hail from the heart of the Midwest, where she and her family live in a small town that is so friendly it almost makes you sick. Here, where every grocery store aisle brings a new conversation and locals are on a first name basis with city officials, Karrie and her family have shared potato salad with just about everyone. This lack of anonymity has given her super special powers to yell at her kids through looks and small hand motions alone—and yet, all three of her children continue to prosper. “Eleanor” (b. 2001), “Tony” (b. 2003), and “Ally” (b. 2007) eat mostly noodles, constantly have dirty fingernails, and don’t practice the piano as much as their mother wants them to. Other than that, they bring great joy to Karrie, who drinks her own weight in coffee every day just to keep from falling over. Karrie once realized she had 4 seconds of free time and so she teaches preschool and toddler music classes, outdoor nature education, and writes a weekly column in the local paper (just to keep her honest). With the remaining .3 seconds, she blogs at www.karriemcallister.com.